I've decided to only update on Scientknits for the time being.

The white background is more calming, and the option to write whatever I want, even though it's self-imposed, makes me feel better.

I do have 60 pages of text, plus figures, so when you put it all together, I would wager a guess that I'm somewhere around 2/3 finished. That factoid makes me happy.

Writing the discussion does not.

So, check out scientknits.blogspot.com for the next little while. I'll update here when the mood strikes, and will definitely post around defense-time.

Paralysis.

I knew this was going to happen. It always happens.

The process of moving out of the apartment and moving home was planned within an inch of its life. Even so, I'm still constantly running up against distractions and screw-ups.

The last few days in the apartment came upon us out of nowhere, and I quickly realized that my productivity was going to drop to zero without my even trying to slack off. And, I was Ok with that. I knew it would take a little while to adapt to new surroundings, and being without Hubby to talk to all hours of the day.

I didn't really realize how much I depended on having him around to keep me calm.

I allowed myself to take Sunday completely off, and not even worry about working. It was only a little relaxing (even though sleeping in was heavenly). I found myself immediately falling into my worst habits - taking care of everyone else. I made dinner last night for Mom, and made sure she got to bed early. This morning, though, she had some fairly substantial dental work done quite early. I got out of bed, made myself some coffee, and had breakfast. And, when she got home, I made sure she was OK, got her some ibuprofen, and set her down for a nap.

And now... now what?

I'm sitting here, in the basement (the TV isn't even on), and my boxes of papers are all circled nicely around me, the computer is set up (complete with functioning internet so I can do database searching), and I'm absolutely paralytic.

The thought of opening up the thesis document, even just reading it over, makes me sick to my stomach. All I want to do is call Hubby and ask for some reassurance, but I don't want to throw him off his game down there. He's so excited about the new city and the new apartment and the new job, and I don't want him spending his time worrying that I'm OK.

(not to mention the fact that, as a 29-year-old woman, I'm being lectured by my father - who's 1000km away - about phone bills and how I can't talk to my husband when I need to because it costs too much money)

It's strange to feel like the adult in the house, and like a highschooler, both at the same time.

This is really thesis-based; perhaps I'll double-post.

Too much to do.

So, long story short -

I may be out of here in time to make May convocation.

Problem is - we have three days to clear out of this apartment, hubby is moving to the new city without me, and I'm going to have to live with my parents until this stupid thesis is finished.

And I have 6 weeks to finish it.

I'm trying my damndest not to freak out, but it's so hard to stay calm.

I just want to bury my head in the sand and never come up for air.

So much for the committee being available.

So, I found out last night that three of my committee members can't be here, just as I feared, for the dates I wanted to defend.

One of them I knew about - he's on sabbatical - and we'd always intended on him conference-calling in.

Having three on conference call would mean I'd be confronted with a telephone for pretty much the entire thing, and that includes the external examiner as well as my boss.

This May graduation is slipping away more and more every minute.

More data analysis...

So, I may not have mentioned it before, but my thesis has three main projects.

The first one is pretty much done, from data collection to analysis to conclusions.

The second one is about two thirds done; data collection - check. analysis - almost check. conclusions - pretty predictable, so check.

The third one is also pretty much done. data, analysis, conclusions - check check check.

This afternoon I finally sat down to re-do some of the analyses for the second project, which meant I had to re-learn a bunch of programs and methods. I almost had a nervous breakdown, and yelled at my husband twice for no reason. The good thing is, I found some online support material that I hadn't read before, and it helped.

I know now how to complete nearly all of the analyses that I need.

Focussing - it's a good thing.

A little reprieve for me.

So, because of all that nastiness that's happened in the past couple of months, I was in a really awkward position with my thesis work. I'd applied to graduate, but was unable to make the deadlines set out by the faculty.

Now, this is a bit of a crisis. I want to graduate with my husband - we met in grad school, married in grad school, and have seen each other through this whole benchwork/thesis/breakdown business. Plus, I've pretty much lost six weeks of productivity for medical reasons, which was completely out of my control; I'd be on track if it wasn't for that. So, I went to the dean.

Long story short - I got the three week extension I was looking for.

The only caveat is that this whole thing is dependent on all my commmittee members being available for a defense to be scheduled within a very narrow window. That's the only thing that could prevent me from graduating in May.

If, Heaven forbid, something like that happens, I'll keep on trucking, and defend ASAP. I may not graduate right away, but I'll be finished. Finished, and able to relax for at least a couple of weeks before looking for work, and before moving permanently to our new apartment.

(you see, Hubby is moving in two weeks, but I'm coming back here to finish my thesis. I know I won't be able to concentrate in a new, exciting city).

Game On!